Even if Britney WAS DD as well, that wouldnt be the issue, and bringing in suggestions that shes just like a three-year-old are weird and ableist. If it turns into a huge social thing it tends to be bad. I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. After some time, call him on the phone and act tipsy. When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. Especially re: the Geek Social Fallacy that if you invite a few members of The Group to do a thing, any other member that learns about the thing should also be invited? Id say, just go ahead and ask. If someone says, Hey, this was a special event and you werent technically invited to it, she throws a tantrum. I only meant this to be directed at the idea original idea up top, that someone picking someone up is obligated to park, get out of their car, and ring the doorbell, instead of calling from the driveway (which I believe is ridiculous). Right now, he is just barely able to call his grandparents on Mothers/Fathers Day if I dial for him. I mean, sure, some people might, if theyre really nice and interested in pretty much everything. If you are going to be in the neighborhood, and would like to meet up with someone who lives there, I might suggest a call or a text like Im going to be in your part of town, on Wednesday. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. Totally individual. I dont understand why some people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if theres gonna be any changes. But if she leans over you and is not bothered with brushing her body against yours, you have got a winner here. but how was I supposed to know that anyone and everyone was welcome? For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. You are invited to the birthday party of my sweet little baby who is turning one on coming Sunday. people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude.- Do you actually know thats why, though? Word. The people I remain consistently close friends with for years are the type where we can ignore each other for two months and then pick up where we left off and have a good time, no hurt feelings. Kind of the Regency idea of a 15-minute social call. Guy: Good! Maybe he honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, but, well. When I tried explaining my thought-action process, he got meaner and said theres always a but with you, isnt there?. Cant reply to twomoogles here, so Im getting as close as I can. You cant really pop by her work unexpectedly and hang out for two hours; shes got stuff to do, and you both know that the visit needs to be kept short. As a general rule, though, calling ahead is never *wrong* and can save you a lot of Oh, I didnt expect visitors, lets talk out here on the porch for a few minutes awkwardness. However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. hut it's in the files, of course." They had got back to the door . Inviting a girl to your place is no other than getting her on a date, but because the date will be at your place it has more implications to her than going for a coffee. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. It still doesnt necessarily reflect your relationship with someone though. My friend is also spacey as hell.). So, if you like a guy and want to invite yourself over to his place, then there are many tips you can try. Like, most of Mr Birds family lives in Nearish Smaller Town, and often have to come to Big Town where we live for shopping, doctors, etc. Lets see I have body pump at ten stop at the store home at noon, shower yeah how about one, one thirty? do not show up at 12:30. If he was on his way somewhere else then I could expect it to be short, but it could also turn into a give a mouse a cookie situation pretty quickly. This understanding of the rules is based on Heyer, Austen, and Mary Robinette Kowal, probably in that order. I am still wondering if I have no manners, if my expectations are all screwed up, etc, but a counselor will hopefully help with that. @lizzieonawhim: Ugh, yes. VIOLA PARADISE. Let it drop now, and eventually you may become good friends with this person and have the pleasure of building their KALLAX. You don't follow up on the numbers you do get. I have a sister-in-law with family like this. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. uhm. captain awkward i found these tips really helpful, thank you . If a friend texts me to say Hey, just bought a new bike at the shop around the corner, can I stop by on my way home and show it to you? then I wont mind coming out onto the driveway for 10 minutes to admire the bike and catch up. (I particularly dislike it when someone asks are you free this weekend without specifying why they are asking!) Even if I were OK with hugs, I wouldnt want to be repeatedly visited at work to hug if nothing else, that would likely be viewed as incredibly unprofessional and quite likely disruptive to collegues. This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. They allowed me to make soft nos and those soft nos were more often accepted, because hey, were asking if youre free right now so if you say no well go do our thing and move on with our lives instead of sending a bunch of follow up texts trying to lock you in to a date. I can definitely understand confirming in that case! And it was all good. For the chronic advice-givers, this usually takes me repeatedly saying I know youre trying to help, but Im just venting right now so I dont want advice, thanks. I used to get REALLY angry about it, but eventually I realized that most people arent my horribly abusive family: they are genuinely trying to help, and will stop once you tell them that its not helping, rather than continuing until you start crying uncontrollably and agreeing to do whatever they say. If a bunch of friends are seeing some kind of movie or concert, where it doesn't really matter how many people come along or not, and the attitude is often "the more the merrier", it's probably okay to ask if you can join. Me, too!, Oh, youre a vegetarian now? I wish I had pulled back way way in the beginning but I craved the friendship and closeness. But I care. I am generally the organiser of things in my social life and I normally follow the ask twice guideline that the Captain mentions with the occasional rinse and repeat in a month or two if I hear nothing and still want to see that person. Be specific as to drawing out how late its okay to phone, how much notice she needs for an invitation for a meal, how much notice she needs if youre to drop by when youre in the neighborhood. Eventually setting boundaries felt like personal rejection. Seriously, my go-to method is to hide out of sight and pretend Im not in until they give up and go away. Dear LW Keep it short the first time, and keep everything as controlled? Now that were grown? But as a baseline, I would never assume its okay to interrupt you for social reasons during the time when you are engaged in meeting your professional responsibilities to your employer.. Going on for eight paragraphs about what awesome food you will have, in front of someone who is not invited to eat the awesome food, is unkind. Granted, part of the reason is because Im probably not wearing pants, either, but I hate unexpected visit awkwardness. Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. You can go on and be as creative as possible and If you are good at your cooking game they will definitely be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. Don't overpay for pet insurance. If you try TWICE to schedule something with someone you dont know very well. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. It's not a good idea to let someone into your home until you really trust him. If I could find an excuse, I felt guilty about turning her away. Because, as noted, she is a giant crapsack. Ask him if he has any dessert requests, but don't ask him to buy half the ingredients for the dinner. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. So yeah if you want me around youre going to have to TELL ME THAT, or Im going to mope at home wondering if Im inherently unlikable. WE DONT KNOW. A simple text letting him know you're looking forward to hanging out is sufficient. That suggestion is for adults who dont know each other all that well, not close friends like your son and T., and not children. The thing that you are missing, it sounds very much like you miss it from a privileged position of not having safe-space related anxiety. I am not at your beck and call. 4. You BETTER be there because Im already on my way AND I washed my hair for you. Why view it as a personal offence? I wish the african violet idea had been around back then. Our neighborhoods were close, and on frequent routes of travel between work/school/watering holes. In the rare event that Im having chill-out time, thats because Im desperately in need of doing nothing / reading / watching Dr Who with my kids, and the last thing in the world I want is to have to interact with another person. I think it comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean. the trick is that i can never tell when its going to be one way or the other. If someone is discussing a plan in front of you, they know youre there! It certainly doesnt have to be exactly fifty-fifty, nor do I suggest you keep a detailed count of how often she initiates contact versus how often you do, but if youre doing all or almost all of the initiating, I would be suspicious that shes not actually acting like someone whos trying to be friends with you. You didnt do anything wrong by offering, but respect the no and do not insist or continue offering, like, Well, heres my phone number in case you get stuck, etc. If I want you to stay longer, Ill let you know. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. In general I dont talk about plans with Alice from which Bob is excluded in front of Bob. My room was never a safe space, my parents would randomly trash it, tearing posters down, tossing the place for evidence of fuck knows what, then throw out all of my stuff. c. Dirty Dishes. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. That was not about you. Whereas I would be absolutely fine with a call or a text from the driveway but ringing my bell without warning runs the risk of sending me into an anxiety spin. This sort of thing reminds me that the only era for which I know there were clear and universally followed rules about this sort of thing, it was Regency era England, when people* would drop by during a clearly defined period of the day for a morning call, for about 20 minutes, and your butler could declare that you were not at home if you didnt want to see them. What's tricky about all of this is how much it depends on a mix of factors. I had a friend who used to drop by or be in the neighborhood pretty frequently, and the process of setting boundaries after the pattern developed nearly destroyed the relationship. Turns out those same people liked to gang up on me with emotional abuse and gaslighting. Even things they planned. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. maybe they thought i wouldnt like it, maybe they knew i was busy, or maybe? I politely umed and how niced all the while thinking to myself, you realize that you are telling how much fun the party you didnt invite me to was, right? I also used to belong to a religion that included unannounced visits as pretty much a matter of course, and I hated those, too. Next Thursday? There have been periods of many months for me, particularly when my mental health was poor, when I checked in with my best friends almost every day, and had they been physically available I might have asked for a hug too. I only have to clean ME, I do not need to scour my house for stray articles of clothing and actually go through the three piles of mail on my dining room table. I have to say that thats something that I admire about people I know who do make their preference for casual drop-in visiting known without turning into Martha Stewart every time they arent stressed out that there are dishes in the sink or that the bathrooms grimy. Regardless, Im wondering how big a transgression this is- another blog said that inviting your self over to someones home is viewed as rude and presumptuous and should only be done seldom with a very, very close friend. Sounds like something Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory would do. You didnt give that impression at all. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. It wasnt always this way. So maybe but I guess will never know. When they said, You shouldve come! about some past event, I would say (cheerfully! I love tacos. If they say any form of Thanks, but or That wont work this time because (reasons) or Aw, I wish I could but I have to. Today, after school. Gotta install the air conditioners and figure out how to assemble that Ikea desk., Yellow Light. I wrote letters. Theres nothing wrong with communicating your wishes for your friends to drop by. Thank you for this post! Would that be fine, too? If the plans have nothing to do with me at all I have no trouble listening in and being happy for people doing fun things. And so, count your blessings that cleaning is a hassle but not a source of shame brain-weasels. I may have moved all the furniture in a fit of spring cleaning and theres nowhere to sit. This. Repeat as necessary, adding I do not want you to drop by unannounced. If you made dinner at his house, leave the kitchen cleaner than when you arrived. Privacy Policy. understanding the ENTIRE backstory to the feeling Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. Not everyone has great insight into their own emotions. Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. The more initiative my friends show, the better. Luckily, subtle politeness is allowed. What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. 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