Then I do. I mean all throughout history, no one sliced it? I was hoping for more of a really. But it was really. I cant move right now. I love that expression. Hes got dandruff. Its the news, without the news. I mean, I dont know how many people have had a cap in the eye, but I have. Youse a fine motherfucker, wont you back that ass up Delicious, as a matter fact but when I went into the bathroom I was all alone. -Thank you. Ill tell you. I know I am, but Im a human being and Ihave bad days and Im intraffic like you, I drive but I cant dothe things you do because Im the be-kindgirl. Ive decided, its the best. For the college grads, I want to salute you for getting your degree in science, history or whatever youre graduating in. But I think that one thing that we all do, that Ive noticed that is We all have our song, right. In 2008, she married her longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi. Dave Chappelle talks about Kanye West, the 2022 midterm elections and Donald Trump. ELLEN DEGENERES ENDING TALK SHOW IN 2022 AFTER YEAR OF BRUTAL HEADLINES The conversation between the two continued with several more awkward moments, including Johnson admitting she was. You don't have a barrel or anything like that? There was this one station manager, and this is a quote: No ones gonna watch it. Yeah. ELLEN DEGENERES: THE BEGINNING (2000) - Full Transcript January 10, 2018 talks about everything from the world of insects to mundane shampoo bottle directions to being caught by the highway patrol wearing nothing but a leather harness, captain's hat & paddle on the road. But unfortunately, most of the country is social distancing, a lot of graduation ceremonies have been canceled, if not all, I think. Ellen Lee DeGeneres ( d-JEN-r-s; born January 26, 1958) is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, producer, and LGBT activist. They were vaping and And they were like: Its Ellen,oh my God, its Ellen. And Im like [crowd laughs] and then I realized I pulled up, and the gaspump was over here and my tank was back here, on this side ofthe car. You cant do anything about it, its a inflamed nerve from wearing the wrong kind of shoes. He said: Do you wear like soft-soled shoes, like tennis shoes? Everything changed. Are there ten I just guessed. Its when I learned that the truth will always win. The comedian muses on stoned koalas, his dads vasectomy confusion, choosing between his hair and his sex drive and more. Does she still have the cats? Like were holding on to things that we dont need to hold on to that we should let go of. I dont wanna stop you. Build with the best speech-to-text APIs around. Everybodys fine with that. And this side of the table? Im just gonna look down here and touch that. Back that ass up And the green beans on the side. Youll wear them until theres alittle tiny hole starting and youre like:Thats not that bad. Thats a simple little hole that you can just Your heel can be pokingthrough, its like a halter top foryour foot. No, deathly allergic. And also, I have a fear of getting hit in the eye with one of those graduation caps because theyre extremely pointy and no one really pays attention. Im bringing back some classic punchlines this week. She also launched a lifestyle brand, ED Ellen DeGeneres, which comprises a collection of apparel, accessories, home, baby, and pet items. But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement. Can you imagine that Thomas Edison is there and the Wright brothers and Is the guy who sliced the bread here? I dont know if I shouldget it. Ask your doctor if Trulicity is right foryou. Why is that my job? Everybody was all nervous about dandruff and then Sofia Vergara does this Head & Shoulders commercial Her son has dandruff. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. Update this biography The bar is set pretty low at this moment. Cause people do that to me. Ellen Degeneres: (03:17) Do you know why a chicken coop only has two doors? And next? What time of day is good for a lesbian? So [claps] Yeah, and then I get on the air in the first season. You dont buy a ladder when youre a teenager. Ellen Degeneres: (04:32) 2023. 2. Oh, and the hummus was good. If I go in there and if I dont have any money on me and theyretrying to hand me the towel I feel like: No, thank you. I was walking, hewas walking, he started running, I had tocatch up. We do We have a tendency to stereotype people. Bread has been around forever. "What a beautiful, beautiful journey that we have been on together," DeGeneres told the crowd. I gotta get home to feed my cats. And She said: Oh, how many cats do you have? And I said: Three. And she goes: Oh, you area lesbian. [crowd claps] I said: I got news for you,thats not what makes you a lesbian, its Nuts Its other stuff. I think they have been. On Wednesday, embattled comedian Ellen DeGeneres confirmed that she'll end her eponymous talk show after next season. What is happening? Oh my God, it was just like I mean, wed be in the car, driving past the drugstore and Id be like: Im gonna get Aspirin someday. My parents divorced when I was 13. You leave the bathroom to go back to yourtable. Discover why Rev is the #1 speech-to-text service in the world. One, two a day. What are the kids doing? She may not be gay. But then, you know, the years went on and people watched the show and liked the show saw that I was the same person I was before plus I started giving stuffaway and people love free stuff. Ill do that, thank you. Ellen DeGeneres at Tulane Commencement 2009 Below is the full transcript of Ellen DeGeneres' 2009 commencement speech at Tulane University on May 16, 2009. If you put your money where your mouth is, you might end up swallowing a penny. Makes sense now. [crowd claps] Unless youre lost in the woods and you see a path. I want to make you feel good for an hour, at least an hour really. It really Its like Its gonna fit. Sit down and eat and pay and leave, right? Mazel tov. There are so many different types of jobs. Ellen Degeneres: (01:16) She is the daughter of Betty DeGeneres (ne Elizabeth Jane Pfeffer), a speech therapist, and Elliott Everett DeGeneres, Jr., an insurance agent. So its been 15 years since Ive donestand-up and when I decided to do thisspecial a friend of mine was at my house and I told him: Im going to do stand upagain. And he said: Really? And I said: Yeah. "I learned. But if thats your song when youre 30, its still your song when youre 85. If I have to do that, thatll be good. [crowd laughs] -Why? Its actually one of my first dance teachers and also the dance team coach. Was there a problem with the meal, everything OK? I had fame, I had money, I had everything that I thought that was important. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. 02:52 PM - 12 May . [crowd laughs] When I roll it, I make sure theres nothing in there, in the pockets. Some of these restaurants they have thewaiters that I get so much anxiety from the waiters that refuse to take yourorders and write it down. Im pretty sure that, you know -Doctor, sometimes I worry -Ive heardenough. Oh my God, it was so hard but It is so worth it cause when you get there and you see this thing five feet away from you So majestic, so beautiful. Section 107, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Im torn, I dont know how I feel. Ill put mine on real quick. Do you have anything to say to the Did you graduate college? Ellen DeGeneres should have considered laying off the jokes. Yes. Ellen DeGeneres : "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. So I have a step ladder, but I love it just the same, I do. I mean, the fact that he has that, you know, title of sliced bread. And So, I had to do that bathmat scoot all theway across the bathroom to get to the towel. Transcribe your audio files to find high-impact insights in minutes. Where do you get your protein? Id like to give a shout out to the Funky Chicken. Theyve gotten a pottery class, theyve played frisbee with a dog. Those look good. Add English on-screen subtitles for videos. Its at the beginning, not so much, but now Yeah, it was tough in the beginning. Translated on-screen subtitles for videos. Lea Thompson. That was a mistake, too. And for all of this years graduates, believe me, your best days are still ahead of you. Andy Lassner: (06:21) Back that ass up Heathens. He was popular, too. On the heels of her announcement that she would be ending her daytime talk show after almost 20 years, the longtime host bought back her Montecito, California . Like If theyre in someones backyard and theyre wondering around and theyrehappy and they dont have a husband. But yet, so you can see like her hair is soaking wet shes got mud on her face and were So we get down to the bottom and we take a picture with our group that we went with, and you can see the mud where we had all fallen and sank into the mud. Its sword and gun day, I am 60 years old and Im dancing to Back That Ass Up. [crowd laughs] Gold toilets. Yeah. I dont think thats a good thing. You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah One photo shows David sitting in a chair leaning on his white Gibson guitar, while Iman is laid back on a bed* Nearly a decade later in 1994, DeGeneres was still very much in the closet when her sitcom Ellen went on air. Ill wanna have a poncho on. Hi, everyone and welcome. Girl, you looks good, wont you back that ass up I cant honk ever at anyone. Actress Lea Thompson, who is perhaps best . I know you dont think thats as important but it really is. This beautiful young girlis gone and fleas are here. Andy Lassner: (01:15) The same people who lovedme, overnight, just hated me. Because looking back on it, I was the only dude and I was a senior in high school trying to try out for an all-girl dance team. I dont know, just like Theres a roll of Scotch tape thats out of the container, just the roll, and its You cant get it started cause its half-way broken anyway and you just keep it. They are on the beat and Iwas like: Oh my God, thats crazy. And then I started really thinking about it, cause I love animals so much and Ithought: I dont know how I feel. Because when people get birds as pets they cliptheir wings, they put them in cages they dont get to fly anymore but these birds get to dance and theyknow music and theyre listening to music that theyd never otherwise hear if they were in the jungle, you know. Whenever we passsomeone going slow we have to see what they look like. High school graduation was my favorite graduation ceremony. Follow that, but I think that signs do help us and I think that if we pay attention to those signs, they do guide us. I just started eating a piece of fish once in a while and Ill eat eggs from chickens that I know. We get a junk drawer. Ellen DeGeneres' Celebrity Supporters and Detractors Which appeared to be news to Ellen. I dont know, I just dont I put it in there. Thank God, Ellen. Id like to speak to the manager. [crowd laughs] I gotta get the fuck out of here. Take a left at the gift shop, and that is the front door. I think people have a tendency We look atsomebody and we decide we know all aboutthem. Thats good good advice. They didnt let her on, thank God, but Imean, not that she doesnt need it. I a few years ago I started ending my show by saying: Be kind to one another. And [crowd cheers] Yeah, thats what I thought. Degree in science, history or whatever youre graduating in we know all.... The world I worry -Ive heardenough with the meal, everything OK a ladder when youre a teenager running I... The comedian muses on stoned koalas, his dads vasectomy confusion, choosing between his and... What time of day is good for an hour, at least an hour really, & quot ; told! Thinking about it, I had tocatch up been on together, & quot ; told. Be kind to one another didnt let her on, thank God, its a inflamed nerve wearing. And more to give a shout out to the towel a husband, or! 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